Trust is a leader’s bankroll. With trust, he or she is solvent, without it, he or she is bankrupt.

A trusted leader, has a thick bankroll of crisp bills. Every time you act inconsistently with your professed values, or break a promise, you must spend some of those crisp bills - when the bankroll is gone, so is the trust that others have in you. At this point, your personal appeals or persuasive arguments cannot buy back that trust. Once lost, trust, and the personal credibility it took to gain it, may take years to regain.

Trust & Credibility

Trust is much more than credibility. Credibility is a necessary precursor to trust - before someone will place their trust in you, they have to believe in you. Trust is when a person places something of value to them into your care an stewardship because they believe that you will take good care and, usually, return to them something of greater value.

As a leader, the ’something’ may be as obviously important as life - a military leader for example. It may be time or skills or an idea for a business leader. Whatever the situation, we place our trust in the leader. In turn, the leader trust you to deliver on your promise. The relationship is established beforehand, the leader’s credibility has been established and the result of this ‘transaction’ may reinforce or destroy trust.

In networking, the same rules apply. You might offer to introduce someone to a business opportunity. As the initiator, you must trust the person to be capable or risk your personal credibility and the trust your opportunity has in you. The individual you are introducing will also trust that you will genuinely do as you say and that it is a legitimate opportunity. Trust is a two-way street.

Establishing Trust
1. Be honest and open
The top leadership attribute of most admired leaders in Kouzes and Posner’s comprehensive survey is honesty. This isn’t just about telling the truth, it is also ‘doing what you say you will do’. And, it’s worth noting that honesty does not always imply that the truth is to your own liking nor the action something with which you agree.

Some networkers though fall into the ‘marketing trap’ - embellishing aspects of their business or person to such a degree that their honesty could quickly become suspect. It’s all very well having a fabulous 30 second ‘elevator pitch’ designed to intrigue and excite others though if it is too far removed from honesty, you may soon be dealing out some of those crisp bills from your bankroll.

Trusted leaders are open and transparent - particularly ion this post-Enron world. The suspicion surrounding UK politicians currently has a lot less to do with their actual expense claims and a lot more to do with questions about why such claims should be so secretive. Openness also means being open to question. Your elevator pitch should (according to those far more expert in this) invite questions - your answers to those being a robust defense citing evidence that supports your pitch. Can you defend your elevator pitch?

2. Don’t hide bad news
Northern Rock, Lehman, Fannie and Freddie, HBOS and an increasing number of others have suffered a major fallout, in part because the leaders hid the bad news (or the potential for bad news), possibly even from themselves. As the bad news leaked out, savers who had entrusted their money queued to withdraw it immediately. To regain some trust, the UK Government had to spend rather more than a few crisp bills from its bankroll.

Advertising of financial or pharmaceutical products now carry a warning of the potential downside or side effects (albeit in tiny print or spoken at a rate few amphetamine addicts would understand). Should our elevator pitch contain such caveats? It would be honest.

3. Don’t over promise
Making promises you cannot keep? Why do politicians rate as the most untrustworthy of people? They promise the world and seldom deliver. What about ‘Relationship Bankers’ - the ones who were heavy on profit and quiet about real risk in selling Lehman min-bonds - still to be trusted?

It’s a trap that many parents fall into. Talking to their kids about the exciting places they’re going to go and the fun they are going to have. From pimples - “you’ll grow out of it” to exhortions to study - “you’ll be able to do whatever you like when you graduate with honours”.

Leaders are prone to over promise - it’s considered perhaps an embellishment, a slight exaggeration or, the catch-all, marketing.

4. Walking the talk
Doing what you say you will do is probably the most critical component of trust. If any of the three points above are in doubt, there is little chance that you will be able to walk the talk.

How many times have you been to a networking event that ends in warm handshakes and empty commitments? When you say that you will introduce a friend to a contact, do it. If you say that you’ll pass on their contact information, do that. If you say that you’ll turn their business around and they will make 2 grand a month with just 4 hours work a week… Diligent follow-through sets you apart from the crowd and communicates trust.

Your trust bankroll is being spent every-time you:

speak falsehoods (however small)

hide bad news (even the potential of the downside)

over-promise or

under deliver

How to rebuild trust

Even the greatest leaders can suffer a loss of trust. This may be the result of error in judgment or a mistake. Or circumstances may conspire against the leader (a favourite of politicians and ex-Northern Rock senior management).

Networkers are also prone to losing trust - perhaps the result of adverse market conditions or the failure of a supplier or partner. A respected and trusted networker can lose years of building trusted relationships through introducing a connection who failed to deliver on their promise. So how do we rebuild damaged trust?

Acknowledge the mistakes
When decisions turn out unexpectedly, the leader owes his followers an explanation. Inflated egos can make a leader quick to assign blame or make excuses, but a mistake unacknowledged is compounded.

A straightforward acknowledgment of the mistake should be the front end and made voluntarily. One forced (because I got caught) does nothing to re-establish trust. “I forgot to call” may not be something a networker likes to admit, but it’s more honest than making up a convoluted story of deceit that tries to shift responsibility elsewhere.

Apologise
Admitting that you are fallible, that what you did was wrong, that you made a mistake is an important step to accepting responsibility. Knowing that you made an error is one thing, admitting it to others, though painful, allows you (and often them helping you) to put the incident behind you and take action to avoid making the same mistake in the future.

Make amends
Find a way to make amends with people you have wronged. If you have harmed, make restitution. People often forget that undelivered promises frequently have cost the other party. If, for example, you agree to meet someone at 2pm, and turn up at 2.30 - you’ve just cost someone 30 minutes. Next time who will turn up and when?

You may not be required to do so, and it may be that circumstances conspired against you, and it may be that it really truly wasn’t your fault - but accepting ownership and taking responsibility goes a long way to thickening that bankroll of trust.

Trust is the bedrock of the bond between leader and follower, the bond that makes a network work. As a leader and as a networker, trust will make or break your success in any industry or circumstance.

Technical aptitude alone is insufficient

Jimmy Connors, winner of 109 professional singles tennis titles says “There’s a thin line between being #1 or #100 and mostly it’s mental.”

In his well-researched book, Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman shows that it’s our attitude more than our aptitude that determines our altitude. Whilst our society lauds intellectual giants and power, Goleman’s research concludes, “At best, IQ contributes about 20 percent to the factors that determine life success, which leaves 80 percent to other forces.” Other EQ researchers, Robert Cooper and Ayman Sawaf consider this too conservative. In their book, Executive EQ: Emotional Intelligence in Leadership and Organizations, they write, “- IQ may be related to as little as 4 percent of real-world success - over 90 percent may be related to other forms of intelligence - it is emotional intelligence, not IQ or raw brain power alone, that underpins many of the best decisions, the most dynamic and profitable organizations, and the most satisfying and successful lives. Malcolm Higgs and Vic Dulewicz set out to disprove this “faddish idea” relenting after their own research that actually, Emotional Intelligence is of far greater importance than IQ and something they term “management quotient”.

There’s a growing consensus in the academic and popular literature that our attitude and our mindset are more important than our technical capability that make a difference to our success. As Zig Ziglar puts it, “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.”

Difference makers have a better attitude

Consider all the things that Tiger could use as an excuse at the 2008 US Open:

• Hadn’t played in a competition for 2 months
• Recent knee operation - reduced fitness
• Further damaged knee on swing during the tournament
• Highly skilled and determined competitors
• Poor first round
• Pressure of historical wins
• Expectations very high on his performance
• Does not need the money

After blowing a three shot lead with 8 holes to play, Woods rallied and came to the 18th hole and stood over a birdie put to avoid an infamous defeat. He came through. Sudden death on the 7th saw an end to his fierce competition and Woods again took the trophy.

How many of us would find that sort of resilience within us?

Three steps to achieving your success

It’s all very well understanding and believing that our attitude is more important than our aptitude, but exactly what can we do about it? What makes the difference that you can develop?

There appears to be three major differences between those that achieve great success in their field, and those who remain in the obscurity of mediocrity.

• Successful people know what they want to achieve. They have a clearly defined goal.
• They are constantly seeking ways to learn and improve.
• They consistently present a positive attitude.

This isn’t intended to be an exhaustive and comprehensive list of must haves, but to highlight key difference makers that anyone is able to adopt.

Clear goal you are pulled toward

There’s plenty of discussion on setting goals for yourself and how important it is to have a clear vision, a picture of your future.

Rather than go through all of that now, I’d refer you back to a couple of other articles I’ve written on the subject. Here though, I’d like to explore three different modes of how you get to your goal:

Push mode, Pull mode and Drift mode:

Push Mode

If you have to drive others towards an objective, even drive yourself towards it, I call this being in push mode.

Push mode is typified by focusing your attention on problems that need to be resolved, or things that need fixing. Many people use a ‘todo’ list or a GTD (getting things done) system. Are you one of them? Take a look at yours now and see if it is a list of problems.

The fun, creative or enjoyable things rarely make it onto a ‘todo’ list - rather there is a tendency to say that once the list is done and I have time, then I’ll do the fun stuff.

What’s more, you will already know that the things we pay attention to are the things that grow and the things we don’t pay attention to tend to fade away. So if we focus on problems (call them challenges or issues if you must but they are still the same thing), we will find that the problems grow. So here’s a radical thought, if we focus our attention on interesting, exciting, fun things, they will grow. And our problems, won’t they fade away?

“But you don’t understand. I have to get this report done, I have a ton of emails to clear, I have to attend this meeting, I have calls to make to angry customers, and if I don’t I’ll get fired. I simply don’t have time to talk to people, take it easy, smell the flowers…”

And when your stress levels have made you so sick that you can’t work, let alone afford the hospital bills you’ll feel what exactly? Accomplished? Valued? Important?

Nothing more satisfying than lying in bed recovering from a heart attack knowing how much your contribution is missed.

I’m not saying that these things (some of them anyway) don’t need to be done but that by not focusing on them, they will (and do) fade away. Oftentimes, they just get done. Without stress, without worry.

In Push Mode, we are continuously pushing ourselves (and others) towards our goals relying on our own effort to keep us on our straight and planned track. Obstacles that we face in our way are enemies to progress which may force us to re- plan our route. Our motivation stems form outside forces, the concrete and measurable goal is frequently thought to be motivation enough and any resistance to achieving the goal, self-inflicted or external resistance, is just another obstacle.

In Push Mode, when progress is slow, we re-plan and consider time management a priority. Only, unless you have discovered the secret to warping the space-time continuum, you cannot actually manage time.

Pull Mode

Pull Mode,  on the other hand, is about leadership and paying attention to growth and improvement.

Rather than focusing attention on problems to be solved or fixed or overcome, in Pull Mode we take time to clearly envision our future and allow the goal to pull us towards it. The results of Push Mode and Pull Mode may appear to be the same (that is the achievement of the goal) but Pull Mode takes less effort and allows our unconscious activity to take precedence over conscious linear processing.

The idea of Pull Mode is that you create a vision of the future that is so compelling for you (and perhaps for others) that you cannot help but be drawn towards it. The things that you need to do on the way become minor irritants that simply get done and anything that really is not important is not done and fades into insignificance.

“Hold on, what if something that is important is not recognised as being important?” Excellent question. Things that appear to need to be done, whether important or not, on your journey are your friends - they are obstacles to your progress but think of them in terms of friends, or learning opportunities.

Let me take a personal example if I may. Two things about running a business that I personally do not enjoy: 1, Filing, 2. Doing the accounts. I appreciate that some people just adore filing and doing the accounts but I don’t. In Push Mode, I resist doing them until I absolutely have to or, usually, risk a penalty. It is the penalty that drives me to do it. I still hate doing it but I dislike paying a penalty more. In Pull Mode, these things still come across my path but now I see them as friends - the chance to look again at scraps of notes, letters or offers. I have learned to change my mindset from doing the filing to my enjoyment of a clear desk and in-tray and just do it. It’s no longer something I resist. Do I enjoy doing it? No, I don’t if I think about it consciously, I just let it happen.

“But what if it should be done and its not that critical or important?” The chances are, for me, that it won’t get done. Importantly, if I find myself resisting doing something, I stop, tune into my thought processing and ask myself why I am resisting it?

For example, keen observers may have noted that I didn’t talk about doing my accounts in Pull Mode above. You’d be right. It is something that I continued to resist - I can’t really explain what it is about doing the accounts that I just don’t want to do, and I found this quite strange considering that I do enjoy building spreadsheets of budgets and am quite au fait with P&L and Balance Sheet - and then it occurred to me that I like thinking through future scenarios, but what’s done is done. I honestly can’t be bothered about it. Now, of course, there’s legal compliance… and I realised further, I really don’t like to be told that I have to do something. So what did I learn from this resistance? I learned that I am quite happy considering the future and do not wish to have to create organisation of the past. Decision? Outsource to someone capable and trusted.

In Pull Mode, you only do the things that you want to do that move you towards your goal such that the work you are doing is effortless. Obstacles that need to be overcome that meet with your own resistance are a warning flag to you that something else is going on - stop and allow yourself to consider what the resistance is trying to tell you.

“Isn’t it possible then that you’ll go into Pull Mode, and miss the important things that need to be done?”

Sure it’s possible, but unlikely to be important in the achievement of the goal. Things that are a requirement in your society but have no direct relationship to the achievement of your goal. Yet there’s a third mode of being that is neither Push nor Pull, and that’s Drift Mode.

Drift Mode

The stresses of Push Mode, always making things happen and forever coming up against obstacles and ‘time-wasters’, causes many people to fall into Drift Mode rather than Pull Mode.

Drift Mode is quite different to Pull Mode, somewhat ‘New-Agey’ in influence where one just ‘lets things happen’. call it karma, fate, life forces, whatever - it generally involves emptying your mind of worries and anxieties and just letting life happen to you. Whatever way the wind blows, you drift along with it.

You might end up on an agreeable shore when you allow yourself to drift over the seas of life, or you might end up somewhere unpleasant, or. most probably, you’ll just continue drifting along.

Pull Mode is different because there is a clear and articulated vision of your compelling goal that is pulling you towards it. The aimlessness of Drift Mode may be refreshing for a while, but the anxieties of life will soon catch up and cause as much stress as Push Mode already does for the vast majority of people.

PushMePullYou

This mythical creature in Dr Doolittle provides a metaphor for how many leaders feel about leadership. They are in Push Mode for themselves, driving the agenda and encountering resistance of their ‘followers’ who have to be pulled, some suggest dragged kicking and screaming, in the chosen direction.

No wonder many leaders are exhausted. Many drive themselves to an early grave or opt-out entirely and fall into Drift Mode.

“How do I know which mode I’m in?”

Do you take pride in hard work? Do you brag about working more than 50 hours a week? Do you use ToDo lists? Do you think that in order for things to happen, that you have to make them happen?

If you answer yes to most or all, you’re in Push Mode.

Do you have a compelling vision of your future self? Find your work effortless? Know that everything that needs to be done will be done?

Sounds like Pull Mode.

Have a sort of idea what I want in the future? Take it easy whenever possible and avoid unpleasant tasks? If things happen they happen, if they don’t ‘they don’t?

Drift Mode.

“Surely it’s better for your health to be in Drift mode than Push Mode?” Sure, if you have a lot of savings or a rich family to fall back on. But if you have no goal in life, just what are you doing here?

What can I learn?

People who achieve great success are always learning. They seek ways to improve and are prepared to work through the difficulties of change required to become better.

Peter Senge in his book, The Learning Organization, expands in great detail about his idea for organizations to constantly seek improvement in everything. But what about learning at a personal level? What if you are currently at the top of your game? Surely you’ve already learned.

Our learning journey can go through a series of steps and the height of our performance is determined by our technical ability and our mindset, our aptitude and our attitude.

The journey is not always easy or straightforward. Let’s return to Tiger Woods…

Prepared to change

You’re at the top of your game, you’re doing better than anyone has ever done in your field. Technically, you are the best in your business. You earn more than anyone else in the same line of business. You have a serious competitive advantage. Why would you decide to change something fundamental about the way you do what you do?

After seven years and 142 tournaments in a row, Tiger Woods finally joined the ranks of mortal golfers when he missed the cut at the Byron Nelson Championship May 13, 2005. Golf pundits argue that changing his swing is to blame.

There was another reason, his knee. A physical problem that seems to not want to go away. But what makes Tiger stand out so much from the rest is not just his aptitude for the game, his superior technical skill… it’s his mindset. In spite of being in a great deal of pain… he overcame it with a determination, the will and resilience that allowed his technical brilliance to shine.

A Positive attitude

We all have days (sometimes weeks and months) where everything seems to be going wrong. Whatever you try to do, however clear your goal - there just doesn’t seem to be any progress.

Sports psychologists refer to the period when everything is going well and peak performance is apparent as being ‘in the zone’. Golfers who find their rhythm and the ball lands just so. The athlete who has trained and is at their physical and mental peak runs the race of their life. The business person who’s found themselves in the right place at the right time with the right product or service.

Yet most of the time, we just ain’t there. We yank the club and the ball lands in the bunker. Our business would be just great if we just land this additional sale.

Some days, it’s hard to wake up and find the energy to put on a brave face and go out there knowing that today probably isn’t that day, hoping that it is but not really believing it. We known we have to learn and improve but just when is my breakthrough going to come.

It may not come today, but one thing I can assure you of - something about today is better than yesterday.

What’s better today?

Being prepared to learn and change and put in the required effort is a critical step in constantly improving. But this carries the suggestion that we should focus on what is wrong, or what needs improving.

If we’re going to consider being in “pull-mode” towards our goals and ambitions, a much better question to ask is “what’s better today?”

When you meet someone, or write a message it is ‘normal’ to ask “how are you?” or “How do you do?” Now in doing so, do you really, truthfully want to know the answer?

“Well, I’ve had this terrible problem with my stomach and I didn’t sleep too well last night for all the stress I’m under and…”

How would you respond if instead I asked you “what’s better today?”

Would you reflect on improvements made? Would it cause you to think about some things have indeed moved forward?

Try it, I dare you! It makes it a whole heap easier to keep on going towards that goal.

Your Choice

People who have achieved great success know what they want to achieve and have a clear vision of their future.

They recognise that their technical ability, their aptitude is one (small) part that contributes to their achievement and constantly strive to improve.

Most importantly, they keep on keeping on, keep turning up and are prepared to learn and change whilst maintaining a positive attitude.

Even Tiger has a bad round of golf - nothing like as bad as most of us but bad for him. Do you see him quitting?

You were created to be an soar at altitude like an eagle not peck the dirt like a chicken.

These five attitudes form the basis of an effective and prosperous life. You do not have to believe them to be true - you just have to ACT as if they are true. You will gain enormous and wonderful new perspective on your golf game, your leadership at work, at home, at school, at college, at life.

People can change anything = I can change my golf swing/habits/putting/handicap
People are NOT their behaviours = I am myself, they are them-self - their behaviour means something else
The meaning of communication is the response you get = I can tell myself exactly what I DO want
There is no failure, only feedback = I enjoy making mistakes, it allows me to learn more
Respect the other person’s model of the world = I perceive that I hit perfect drives every time and that’s my reality

The greatest change you can rapidly bring about with these attitudes is to turn negative feelings into neutral or even positive feelings. In our workshops we run an exercise with these attitudes and it is one of the most powerful and emotive moments. The number of people I’ve worked with who after years and years of holding onto a false-belief as a result of an attitudinal problem find enormous relief, is staggering. With these attitudes, you can take a fresh look at all of life’s problems and issues. Everything that has seemed for so long to be insurmountable, can and is changed when you act as if these attitudes are true.

You know those times, when you tell someone something and they don’t get it? So you tell them again. and sometime again. And they still don’t get it. Who has the problem? You or them?

I hope by now that you’re realising that it’s you. They don’t have a problem, they don’t get it (oh. and by the way, that’s their problem!)

Communication is NOT telling. Communication often involves talking, but it is a two-way process - it requires listening and observing as well. You explain something in such a manner that the receiver is able to fully understand what it is that you are explaining.

Take, for example, your golf instructor. She explains how to improve your swing, demonstrates the process and guides you, often physically by straightening your elbow, pushing your hips, widening your stance and so on. You continue this and slowly, gradually, as she sees that you have ‘got it’, will tell and show, less and less. Now that is communication. How well you continue to improve your swing is the response you are giving to that communication. If you do not improve, then the communication is lacking.

All of us have our own preferred ways of communicating. Some people like to use pictures for example - we create pictures with words and with our hands and bodies. Others prefer something more concrete - we need to walk through the swing - feel it in our muscles. Others prefer sound, and are quite happy for you to speak to them only. Others like music in the background, or a beat to swing to. Some people like to know what is possible, others prefer to know what is necessary. Some people like to improve whilst others prefer to not be a bad player.

Each of us has a small armoury of ways in which we can communicate - and it is our job to use that armoury, or toolset if you prefer, to the best of our abilities. If the response you get is not the one that you wanted, then it is your job to effectively communicate. Notice that in English language, we are not ‘communicated at’.

We will look at communication in detail in the Outcome Based communication chapter. For the moment, if you act as if the statement “The meaning of communication is the response you get” is true - then you will move from being at effect, to being at cause - and now you can do something about it.

Let me show you another example, where our communication (or lack thereof) is interpreted and causes an unexpected response. It’s to do with something called ‘complex equivalence’ where X=Y.
He doesn’t buy me flowers anymore = He doesn’t love me anymore
The husband is completely at a loss - this is often silent communication as well. He hasn’t got a clue what he’s done wrong (see more complex equivalence going on ‘She’s not talking to me=I’ve done something wrong’ (Although this is probably experience coming to the fore.)

You’ll hear this quite frequently in suppositions about another person… “He doesn’t care if he wins or loses”, “Really, why’s that?” “Because he never loses his temper when he loses”. Therefore, Doesn’t lose temper=doesn’t care. Tommy rot! I care deeply if I lose, doesn’t mean that I have to lose my temper about it.

And, whilst we’re on the subject, Bending your club around a tree is not a demonstration of how much you care passionately about making mistakes, or missing shots - it simply shows a lack of control.

This attitude applies to self-talk as well. Remember earlier we discussed how  your unconscious self-talk in regard to your beliefs and vision will manifest in your actions? If you communicate to yourself to make sure that you do (not) hit the ball into the woods and the ball goes beautifully into the trees… it is no more, and no less than the response to your own internal communication. Why worry about communicating with others if we can’t communicate with ourselves to get what we want?

Lets move this away from you for a moment as I know this is difficult for the virgin. Let’s say for the moment that your close friend has a ‘wayward’ son. A teenager dressed in grubby jeans, a haircut that suggests an alien stylist, colours that jar the eyes running with the local mob of ne’er do wells. Your friend laments to you that they are at their wits end and don’t know how to ‘get the boy back on the right track’. You like the lad, and tell your friend that you’ll ‘have a word’ and see if you can help in anyway.

Sometime later, you bump into the young lad and get chatting. The lad, reluctantly at first, and then more fluently pours out his heart to you - how his parent (your friend) is so controlling, so old-school, such a … You are surprised, this can’t be the same person he’s talking about… you tell him this.

Who’s got the right perception? Your friend, the son, or you? That’s right. All of you! Three completely different perceptions of the same situation and… they’re all correct! For the people holding the perception.

Ask the police. 20 people are eye-witnesses to a car-accident. 20 statements are taken and there are 20 variations of exactly the same event.

Ah, I hear you say - yes well, different viewpoints… Exactly. It’s what we perceive that is our reality.

Back to our peer group. If you perceive that they do not accept you, do not connect with you. That is your reality. Can you change reality? Of course, just change your perception of it and reality changes. I’m not suggesting Ostrich-like behaviour and burying your head in the sand (works for the Ostrich - have you ever seen an Ostrich hit a bad drive?) I am suggesting that you can change your attitude by acting as if it were true, and thence change reality.

There are some fundamental needs that drive our attitudinal behaviours - more about the why’s and wherefore in the chapter on Motivation. Here I’d like to pick up on one aspect of motivation that can radically change behaviour. There are some real big changes in someone’s life that result in a major shift in mindset and I’ll briefly discuss them here, then move onto the more commonly experienced change that changes behaviours.

Two big needs for human beings are the need for survival and the need for security. When an individual’s survival is at stake - their behaviour will change dramatically if necessary to ensure survival. The most compelling stories of survival are of women finding themselves able to lift trucks off their run-over child. Threaten our survival and our fear kicks into play. fear - unlike anger - is an emotion and state that has a perfectly good chemical system working in our body to rely on. This does not mean irrational fear - fear that is unnecessary such as phobias - but fear that threatens survival. This we need to keep - just in case.

The second big need that can cause massive behaviour change is security. If our security is threatened (extrapolate to survival) most people will fight to defend it. War is the classic example of this - when your homeland is invaded, your prior acceptance of the invader is quickly dispelled and many people are prepared to kill if necessary to protect their security. For those of you who might like to take me to task on this, I can be absolutely certain that your own security has never been threatened.

If either of these basic needs are threatened, well you won’t be playing golf will you. Might be a better way to resolve wars though.

Human beings share a need to belong. We all have a desire to feel accepted and of worth to our society (as in our social circle extending for many to society at large.) From early childhood, we have an in-built need for acceptance and connection with other humans - we are social animals. We want love and caring from our parents, our friends, our family. We crave ‘fitting-in’ at school or at work with our peer group.

Without such acceptance and connection in our group - we will seek it elsewhere. For a few, they seek that acceptance alone - might seem odd to some of you, but on your own, your mind creates its own group - and sometimes even they don’t accept you. For others, they will seek acceptance in other groups - well like joining a golf club for instance - here you meet and socialise and play with people who share something in common with you… they play golf. If you take a quick tour of your closest friends and associates you’ll find there’s even more in common. This is why people join gangs - especially those who find little or no acceptance in their families. Keeping in the gang becomes increasingly important - and gangs - especially gangs of youths earn themselves a bad reputation in greater society because they consistently cross the values of that greater society - they pitch themselves against it to form a stronger bonding between the members. It doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it partially explains it. So, a little aside, if you have kids or family members who’re members of a notorious gang - you can do something about it - and I don’t mean tell them! I mean show them you care and accept them for who they are and their values. I digress, but some of these snippets have changed peoples lives dramatically.

Our need to belong is profound. Our understanding of this is important in developing our maturity as a person. You have your own needs for acceptance and connection. This includes your work and your golf. Not to be taken lightly, your needs are part of the reason for playing golf at all. If you play badly, your own sense of self worth is hurt - play too badly and your friends may not want to continue playing with you, play too well and the same may be true. If your connection with your friends is important to you, you’ll play to keep in with the group.

Let me tell you about my squash group of friends. I play squash - not terribly well and not terribly either. I play it for the social reasons I’ve suggested above and for exercise. I enjoy the game, it’s very different to golf and I hate to go jogging - so it sort of fits for me. After playing regularly every Sunday morning before Church for several years, I decided that I was getting fed-up of being beaten in sets - I was worried that my friends would tire of easily beating me - that I wasn’t enough competition to maintain their interest. So I took some lessons from the club pro. Fantastic, pushed my stamina levels much higher, lengthened my stride and strengthened my wrist-play (did not, by the way help my golf swing rather dented it for a while!) We continued to play for a few weeks and then one by one, my friends couldn’t make our regular game. Just as I was beginning to win! I was upset for a while - and rapidly gaining weight (compensation?) You see, it turned out that far from my friends being insufficiently challenged by my play, they enjoyed it… I was that one person they could regularly beat. Oh well. I have new squash friends now - ones that enjoy being challenged and enjoy challenging and want to improve themselves. As for the old group? Well I too have a need to belong, to be accepted, to be connected but I’m buggered if I’m going to sink to the level of playing a crap game for someone else’s ego… maturity (?) with a little childishness for good measure ☺

There’s a need for us to belong, but there’s also a need for us to maintain our ‘self-worth’. If the two are in conflict, one will win over the other. When you allow your self-worth to be dictated by others - you have just lost control of your destiny.

When you were younger, you succeeded at something - possibly something sports related. You did well and this helped you find a sense of ‘self’. This in turn, helped you strengthen your self-image. Doubtless there were other activities that weakened your self-image. It’s quite likely that those activities that increased your self-image are things you remember fondly and continue to do. Those that harmed your sense of self-image, you recall less than fondly, and probably don’t continue. If you do, you’ve possibly just realised why you’re unhappy.

And there’s the rub. If your peer group doesn’t accept you, doesn’t connect with you - this causes distress which will manifest itself in some behaviour - usually negative behaviour. The more problematic aspect of this is that it is not whether your peer group accepts you or connects with you. It is whether you perceive that they do or do not that matters. Your perception = your reality.

If you genuinely believe that you are focusing on your target and you align yourself correctly, and yet you push the ball, or pull the ball away from the line of target. What do you do? Berate yourself for slicing or hooking? Bad move! Welcome the opportunity to learn what it was that you did, because there is going to come a shot where you want to hook it, or slice it around a tree? Excellent!

Learn from it - take joy in learning something. If it’s a consistent problem for you… then you can choose, go get some instruction from a good pro to improve your technique, learn how to re-align yourself to compensate (not so good but Gary Player had a peculiar swing to compensate for his clubs), or - very rarely - get your clubs fixed. If per chance you go to a pro who immediately tells you that you need a new set of clubs, then go elsewhere - it may be true (you can always go back later) but an expensive driver does not a golfer make. Think back to our car driving analogy - you’ve seen someone driving a Ferrari badly and someone else driving a Toyota very well? Of course it’s always worth checking your clubs for dints and dents, even Toyota’s break down (yeah but less often than Ferraris!) Of course anyone from that esteemed motor company that would like to prove the reliability of their vehicles on a personal level - I’m very happy to accept the challenge

Here are five attitudes that will change your life:

1. People can change anything
2. There is no failure, only feedback
3. People are NOT their behaviours
4. Respect the other person’s model of the world
5. The meaning of communication is the response you get

The attitude you portray outwardly is a result of your inner state. You might like to think of your inner state as a feeling. Most often, our state is described by a ‘feeling’ word: angry, happiness, joyful, accepted, guilty, peaceful for example.

I’m going to look at these one at a time and we’ll discuss the implications for your golf and for your leadership.

It’s obvious that some states are good for you, and some are not so good right? Anyone like to feel angry - I mean actually enjoy it? I don’t think so… if you believe that you enjoy feeling angry, I’d suggest that you have a more powerful result from your anger that - perhaps it’s power? The angry boss who persists in it because it’s the only way they can feel powerful - strip away their anger and they crumble.

Anger - directed at self, others or the outside world - for whatever ‘justifiable reason’ harms you. Firstly. think about something really pleasant. Remember the time when you were ecstatically happy or joyful? Whenever that time was, whatever you were doing (and there’s no need to be shy, but keep it to yourself OK ☺ ) live in that moment, see what you saw then, hear what you heard, feel how you felt, smell what you smelled, and taste what you tasted. There? Good isn’t it. Now remember that moment, because I want you to quickly get back here in a moment.

Allow the good feeling to dissipate - quick wasn’t it? Still nice and lingering just a little.

Now, remember the last time you were angry. Whatever you were angry about - a poor shot, a child misbehaving, an argument with your better half, your boss at work, a customer… what do you see? what do you hear? What do you feel? Nasty isn’t it? Unpleasant, perhaps a knotted feeling, certainly you’ll notice that certain muscles are tense. Now, go back to the happy memory and stay there as long as it takes to replace the feeling.

As you come back into the room with me, you’ll have noticed a difference between anger and happiness (or joy or whatever word you like to use). It’s likely that you took longer to dissipate the feeling of anger than that of happiness? Why is this? Well, the feeling of anger most often manifests itself in tension - physical tension - most often in the stomach, the shoulders and the head - but it can be anywhere in the body. Where’s yours?

You are an athlete right? Well you play golf, perhaps athlete is a little too strong for now, but you are nonetheless. So you are aware of having muscle ache, or ‘the stitch’? When you tense your muscles intensely or over a prolonged period - the muscles burn energy much faster - too fast for proper nutrition - and a toxin is left in the muscle tissue - which takes a while for the blood system to clear up. Anger creates tension which leaves a toxin in the body which takes time to clean. Too much, too often and your body will tire of this - requiring more replacement energy - that’s why angry people eat more than happy people - oh and usually they eat faster too. IT’s not the only reason, some people are just lazy and fat, but you, you are an athlete and do exercise and stretch plenty. You know that you need to keep stretching those muscles don’t you? The more flexibility and elasticity in your muscles, the better right? So, if anger creates tension - does this benefit flexibility and elasticity? No, of course not. So not only does anger fill you with toxins, it reduces your ability to swing well. Convinced that this anger thing isn’t good for you yet? Good, let’s move on with what you want instead.

Many people who play golf have never taken a lesson!
They get introduced to the game by a friend or family member and learn to play by going along to the golf course and playing.
When you learn this way, by instinct as it were, you develop a muscle memory of your technique and a discovery process of what works and what doesn’t, hopefully repeating the positive patterns that achieve roughly what you want to achieve. Someone who finds that their ‘natural” swing slices the ball, will compensate by aiming to the left of the ball so that it will slice back onto the fairway.

The hardest thing in golf is not hitting the ball, it is consistently hitting the ball straight - or at least in the direction intended. You’ll hear many a golfer say something along the lines of “I was hitting the ball really well today, but my score doesn’t reflect it”. The reason for most is that they aren’t aligning their body and their swing with the target.

Thinking back to the blog on Goals and Vision for a moment. If you can clearly see your goal, both in your mind?s eye and in reality - it would be strange if you faced your club at a 90 degree angle to it? How about 5 degrees? How about 1 degree? Perhaps if you are compensating for your very “natural” slicing habit but let?s take a quick trigonometry reminder. You see, those maths classes were going to prove useful!

Let’s assume, for a moment that you have a clean fairway shot to the green 135 yards straight ahead and plan to use your trusty 7-iron in that straight line, oh, and you would strike the ball clean and straight. Aligning yourself and your club just 5 degrees away from the straight line will put your ball about 6 yards away from your target - assuming that you still hit the ball the full yardage. You don’t need me to tell you that 6 yards from the hole is usually the rough, or a bunker, or a pond. And this is when everything else is working very very well indeed. The added complication with alignment in golf is the club face alignment. 5 degrees off centre alignment with an open or closed face, will reduce the yardage of the ball because the ball will not loft as high - it’ll hit the ground sooner which robs the ball of some momentum depending on the friction between the ball and the ground. You don’t need me to tell you that a ball landing on the fairway rolls further than a ball rolling in the rough. Oh well, I told you anyway.

So how do you ensure alignment with your target. In the words of Harvey Pennick, “Take Dead Aim”. Well that’s pretty simple and something you can easily practice on the range. Many practice ranges have sticks or plastic arrows - you align one with your feet and another with your tee or ball, directing them both in parallel to your target. Swing, thwack and low and behold, on the practice range, the ball flies straight to the target. You do it again, and again, and again - eventually removing the visual markers and “imagining” them. Settling yourself calmly and your G.A.S.P. (grip, address, stance, posture) and “thwack” off the ball flies straight to target. If it were that easy, we’d all be able to do it. The physics is unarguable, the theory straightforward, the requirements from you are not overly demanding - yet, somehow, the swing just doesn?t align to the target. You spend a small fortune on your highly-engineered custom clubs to eradicate the anomaly, and still you miss the target.

The physical process is important, don’t let anyone persuade you different. A good golf coach will see if there is anything to correct in your swing that may be causing the problem, but only if the problem is physical. 95% plus of the problem is not physical, it’s mental. It comes back to your unconscious giving your body instructions. When you?re on the range, you?re hitting ball after ball after ball. Concentrating on your technique and getting into a rhythm.

Out on the course, your hitting a ball, club back in bag, pick up bag, walk, walk, walk, chatter, talk, “oh that’s interesting?”, thinking, “I wonder if my better half is still angry with me?”, “I must finish that report”. “oh and that email I received.” “so and so was a bit odd today.” walk walk walk, and then getting closer to your ball. “ah there it is, a bit of long grass around it, but otherwise, a pretty nice lie, hey and not bad - a couple of feet further to the side than I wanted, but I’m getting better. I wonder if I’m going to get this right, now which club, hmm” and on and on. How much of your game is hitting balls, and how much is not hitting balls? 
See, if you play a game like squash, say. You don’t have  much time after hitting the ball, before it’s your turn to hit it again - and that short time is spent focussing on where the ball is, your opponent is and so on - a few seconds at most. Now the brain works very very quickly, but essentially you don?t have much time to drift into other matters - it’s all about the ball.
How much time do you spend aligning yourself - and by now I think you realise that I mean mentally and physically, before each shot.

Alignment is not just a physical process - that funny little waggle that golfers do. It’s about training your mind to align as well. Taking each goal for each and every shot, envisioning how it is going to be successful. Settling the body and focussing your mind - trusting your technique to deliver what it delivers. What you focus on, you will get more of?

In training your mind to give you an advantage, there is an important element. Do NOT reinforce the bad. Now if you’ve stayed with me so far, you know that the unconscious cannot process negatives, and I just gave you a negative. But that’s to get it out of the way so we can now focus on the positive. Reinforce the good.